Characters/Pairing: Lucius Malfoy; mentions of Narcissa and Bellatrix
Summary: A few days after Voldemort is defeated, Lucius realizes that the war is over.
Word Count: 596
A/N: Originally written for hh_writersblock's Challenge #73: Dear Diary.
The war is over. Everything’s over. He is defeated, forever. It was foolish to think the boy would not be able to kill him, after everything he had done in the past few years, after everything that had happened to him. It sometimes makes me laugh, when I remember that his success was nothing but luck. Pure luck... He never knew what he was doing, never. Not when he destroyed the diary in the Chamber of Secrets, not when he one the Triwizard Tournament, not when he escaped the Dark Lord once again on the cemetery. He never knew... Yes, thinking of how a single child could achieve all this by just being lucky makes me laugh.
We knew what we were doing, all the time, we were the ones to succeed. But we failed. Sometimes I wish I could turn back time, to choose another way, the right way. To choose the way to victory. Malfoys never fail, and they never make wrong decisions. It is our destiny to win.
The war is over. I’m not even sure if I’ll miss his meetings, or the Dark Lord himself. If I’ll miss the attacks, the battles...
It is unbelievable how many people have lost their lives during the war, and I know I can call myself lucky to survive. To not have lost my family, to not be sentenced to Azkaban again. That everything’s alright, that everything’s like before his ascension... That I should be happy.
But it’s not like before. Everything has changed, everyone has changed, even I have changed during the war. And I’m not happy. I’m not happy to hear Narcissa cry every night when she thinks I’m asleep, to hear her pray for her sister. She had seen her die during the battle, had seen her body fall down to the floor, unnoted by the others. Who would care about another Death Eater dying? I know she misses her, more than everything everything else, and I’d give everything to be able to bring Bellatrix back for only an hour, to give Narcissa the opportunity to say goodbye.
She hardly ever talks, hardly ever looks at me, as if she wants to punish me for what I have done. And I deserve it. I deserve every torture I have caused the people to be also caused me.
I destroyed so many people’s lives, fighting blindly for what I thought that was right, not realizing that I was also destroying my own, but primarily my family’s life. I would not have cared about dying, not thinking about Narcissa or Draco, about how they felt. Narcissa, who had become thin and pale, whose whole body started to tremble when she was only looked at. And Draco, my only son, who I forced to be a part of my world, who I broke with my expectations in him. Who I forced to fight, to be willing to give his life in a battle that turned out to be a battle for nothing.
The war is over. And we’re alive. But only physically, as shadows of the past, as shadows of what we had been before. No one of us will ever be the same again. Too deep are the scars, left by the happenings of the past years.
But we have us. And maybe Narcissa and Draco will be able to trust me again, maybe I’ll be able to trust myself again one day. Maybe we’ll be able to be a family again. But no one knows if this will be possible.
The war is over.